Life Update

School

School is starting again today. I had two classes this morning, and I have one more tonight, and two more tomorrow. This semester I am taking:

- English 5730: Studies Early American Literature - This class seems like it will be a lot of work. The professor seems very demanding, but seems to be a pretty nice guy. I've heard good things about him. When I went in to see a counselor for my graduation papers, she told me that if I go in for his office hours he'll love me to death, and I think that's probably true. This class will be a lot of reading early American documents (like the Constitution, or Pioneers, and Rip Van Winkle, which he says is the most under-read important novel). It's about new Americans defining Americanness. Cool.

- Philosophy 1250: Reasoning & Rational Decision Making - I'm not just crazy about this class. It meets my QB math requirement, so it is basically a class instead of "Statistics". It also seemed like a good idea because I'm about to take the LSAT. Here's the only problem: It's taught by a grad student. Why are 80% of all grad students so pompous?! Seriously, my impression of this guy so far is that he thinks he is a god and everyone should bend to his whims. DO NOT BE LATE. It is reasonable to expect people to be on time, but SRSLY, if I have another class that ends 15 minutes before, which I do, and that class goes over, which it does, you're really going to count all of my assignments late if I am not in my seat when the class officially starts? Give me a break. He is also a brat about e-mail. He will not e-mail about grades unless you are using your official university e-mail address. Does anyone even know their password for that? [No.] And what, are my parents going to pretend they're me and find his e-mail address to e-mail him or something? Really?

- English 3702: Intro to Literary History 2 - I think this is going to be a lame class, because the Literary History classes are all miserable and used to be required but are not any more. (But they still double count for requirements.) HOWEVER! It is taught by an amazing professor who knows her stuff and prepares like crazy and makes classes awesome. It will probably become my favorite class this semester, just like the Darwin class that I thought I would hate and actually loved, which she taught last semester.
- English 5885: Adolescent Literature - Very highly recommended professor. At graduation counseling, the lady said this class would be a riot. THANKFULLY, this class is not about the Holocaust like my Children's Lit class was, and includes Catcher in the Rye, which I haven't read since high school but remember liking back then.

- English 5110: Folklore Genres - This class has a big project attached to it, which is writing the life story of an old person. I am really looking forward to it. I can either interview a grandparent or other relative, or the professor will match us up with hospice care people. NEAT.

So that's what I have going on. I am also still preparing for the LSAT, so I have prep classes for that on Monday and Thursday nights.

Work

I quit my job so that I will have time to actually do my homework this semester. And so that I will have much more time to study for the LSAT. (It was really weird. My boss said they had 65 applications for my job. Holy smokes! And they even lowered the pay rate with budget cuts... She interviewed seven applicants and hired a guy last Thursday. I'm going to miss my coworkers since they were sort of my only friends.) I think I am also going to quit volunteering in Preservations, because: 1) I just feel too busy. 2) It doesn't feel very altruistic, so it isn't as rewarding as I had hoped. 3) They treat me like an actual employee and kind of glare when I announce that I will be missing days, but really, who has time to volunteer 10 hours every week? 4) The block of time that I was volunteering before is not free time for me anymore.

So I feel kind of like a quitter, but it's okay because it's really just a re-balancing of my schedule and life and priorities, and all that. And that's good and healthy.

Speaking of good and healthy, I am not. I'm sick today. And yesterday. I have a cold. The grad student said that the University is making accommodations for people with the H1N1 virus (he called it the "piggy sniffles"), which made me wonder if I have that. All of the symptoms are normal being-sick symptoms, so who knows, but I doubt that I do because I'm not vomiting or having diarrhea or anything like that, and I'm not enough of a hypochondriac to actually be concerned about that.

The Race

I am also sore, sore, sore, because my body is broken from running a half marathon this weekend. I ran the Hobble Creek 1/2 Marathon on Saturday. It was an adventure for a lot of reasons. The first reason is, even though I have been driving for a few months now, I have never driven anywhere near Provo. I one-time drove to J's new house in South Jordan, but I insisted upon taking State Street. Sooo, when J decided his move would be the same day as my 1/2 marathon, I realized I would have to drive to Mapleton alone. So far! I decided I would take State Street, since I had heard it goes all the way from Salt Lake to Provo.

Uhhh, it doesn't. I got to the end of State Street and took some road to like, Bangerter, to like Alpine Highway, to somewhere. I ended up in Bluffdale and Saratoga Springs, and eventually Lehi, and then I was okay. But I swear, with all the detours I totally went to like, every city between Salt Lake and Provo. I don't know how long it took. I had to change lanes a lot of times, which makes me nervous. I made it to Jessica's house safely, though. And then I had to take the freeway at like 5am on Saturday to get out to Mapleton. And the exit I needed was supposed to be closed, but it wasn't, so I took it. BUT THEN! The streets after the exit were closed! So I drove all around hoping that I would somehow find State Street and going in the direction I thought it was, until the street I was following ended. Uh oh. But I saw a few people who seemed to be going the same way and I followed them, and made a little loop and somehow ended up on State Street. And somehow got there.

And the race was fine. EXCEPT! Know how after I hiked the Grand Canyon in one day in May my left knee hurt for like 3 weeks? And then it finally got better but I could only use elliptical machines for awhile and then finally I could use the treadmill again? At mile eight, my left knee started hurting again. Badly. I found a way to kind of run by swinging my left leg instead of running on it, but it was lame. (hah. Literally.) I mostly walked the last five miles. So instead of improving my time this race, I was a few minutes slower than I was in the SLC 1/2 marathon. Too bad! At the end a few people (separately!) thanked me and told me I had been their pace girl and that I had kept them going. I told them they were mine, too, which was true. When you run, a lot of times you're running with the same people, so you push yourself to get ahead of whoever you keep passing, or to get ahead of the next person in front of you. Everyone inspires everyone else. And when people pass you they call out, "Good job! You're doing great, just keep going!" and they encourage you. It's pretty neat.

I was not last, but there were not a lot of people to finish after me. The race registration closed in two days, and who registers within the first two days of registration for a race?! Hard core people. So I was for sure one of the least-fit, least-trained, least-slim, least-fast people. But that was okay, because I was there. And I finished. And running 13.1 miles on a Saturday morning is much more awesome and healthy than not running. So I feel good about it. I don't think I will be ready for my full marathon next month, though. My cardiovascular system was fine, but my knee had a lot of problems, and if it's been 3 months since the hike, I don't know that 1 more month will make a big enough difference. We'll see.

Relationship

J and I have been dating for about six months now. It's still going really well. I am very happy. After we were dating exclusively, he asked that I please drive his other car, because he was driving a lot. And since he is quite allergic to Paley, and since my house is tiny, and since I don't have air conditioning, it made sense for us to spend more time at his house than mine, but that meant he would drive from his house to my house to his house, and then drive from his house to my house to his house again to take me home. And he was already paying to insure the other car, he told me, so me not driving it was costing him.

I didn't mind taking TRAX and was really afraid of driving because of my accident in...2002? So I was not crazy about driving at all. Plus driving is expensive. He said he would pay for my gas and insurance, and any repairs, etc. So I started driving when we would go places. Sometimes. And he was patient and confident in me. I was really nervous. But I became comfortable driving between our houses, which made dating me more pleasant, I think. I started driving his white car every day. And then one day I Stopped for Gas! Which was an exciting new challenge. And another day I Switched Lanes! And one day I Went to Walmart! And now I've been driving every day for a few months and I am pleased, because I knew I needed to start driving again eventually, and I can't think of a more ideal set of circumstances for re-learning to drive than the ones that I've had. So that's been good. I took the freeway back from my race this weekend. Go, me!

J moved this weekend. He bought a house in South Jordan, which I absolutely love. It's kind of ugly. Actually, it's the ugliest house in the neighborhood. But he got a smashing deal on it (he paid $30k less than it appraised for!) and it really is in a great area. It's a neat house. It's divided into two separate living areas (with a shared laundry room in between), so he's renting out the front (which is bigger and nicer), and he will live in the back. It is on half an acre, ag-zoned. It has a pasture that is already fenced off [perfect for goats!], and barns [we put the chickens in part of one!], and a big open backyard [perfect for gardening!], and mature fruit trees, which delight me. It has apricots (we ate like a billion of them and fed like a billion soft ones to our birds), plums (they're next), pears (!!!!!), and apples. The trees need to be pruned so so badly. There is also a ton of storage space. The garage is huge (it has a basketball court in it), it has two storage rooms built into it, plus an above space that is almost like another living area except that it has no water to it, and another area above that that is like a little secret clubhouse for kids, or something. It is an attic area, where the ceiling slants, but it has hardwood floors, and a desk built in, and windows that overlook the yard. It has a bed up there, which I don't know how they got it up there because the hole to climb up to the room is tiny. The neighbor kids said they used to spend the night up there. Fun!

So far we have painted the front kitchen (which was hot pink) and we've done a bunch of yard work. (Actually, J's dad has done a TON of yard work.) We've been getting the front unit ready to rent. I lowered the price on our ad yesterday and J has gotten 4 more calls about it in the past day, so I think it's probably about the right price now and I think it will probably rent soon. (I want to paint the barn, because it looks way run-down, which I think makes the whole property look more run-down, but whatever. We'll get to it.) I think so far we've shown the house to like...4 or 5? people? We had one applicant, but they were just way too risky, so it didn't work out. So this should be good.

Since J and I spend every day together and South Jordan = a lot of driving for me, his wonderful parents have offered to let me stay at their house whenever I want. It is 6 blocks away from J's new house, so it's really convenient for, say, Friday and Saturday nights. We are talking about driving up to Salt Lake in the mornings, and then I would stay there even more. I have my own bedroom and bathroom which are new and gorgeous, and I have drawers and a walk-in closet, and my own nice kitchen, as many cherry tomatoes and fresh garden vegetables as I can eat, etc. (Last night they served us fresh watermelon. It was yellow inside! It tasted delicious.)

The only trouble is, poor Paley can't move in with J or his parents, so she will become an outside cat at J's new house. I'm sure she will love, love, love living there, because the CHICKENS! are outside and they are SO MUCH FUN to watch. And there are grasshoppers! And rodents! And other fun things to catch. But I know she will be sad when I am inside and she can't come in. At least for a little while. The barn will keep her dry and warm, though, so she should be okay. For now she's still at my little apartment by the U of U, but she misses me since I only come home to sleep.

My Birthday

Last week was my birthday. I turned 26. Jess and Mitch celebrated with me the weekend before, and Jess wrote me a nice blog post. J and I went to Red Lobster for dinner. He gave me a little hymn book (in English! Which I have wanted forever but never want to spend the money on.) and socks (which I have needed more of forever but never want to spend the money on.) So that was nice. I like useful presents. (Jess also gave me useful presents. She gave me plates, silverware, pans, and kitchen stuff. Plus six Sees Butterscotch Squares, which I ATE, which I had been in the mood for for a long time since no Sees is near me.)

Hm. What else? I don't know. This is a pretty long post and I need to get some LSAT study in before my next class, so I think I'll stop here. (And hopefully update more often so that my posts are not as long.)

Selling through Television

When I came in for work today, one of my coworkers showed me this advertisement. It's from "Advertising and Selling," December 1946, page 57. It is a storyboard for a commercial advertising Trushay, which is a lotion.

ANNOUNCER...This is the story of Arthur the Automobile...

Arthur was no ordinary auto--he had feelings--and he was feeling bad right now...

So was the girl who owned Arthur

It seems this little pretty could never get together with a man!

That made Arthur so unhappy that even his horn didn't give a hoot!

And the reason for his sorrow? Well look at our little lady's hands!

And when a fellow holds a girl's rough and unromantic hands--so long, brother!

It was up to Arthur the Automobile to do something, so he stalled one day in front of you know what! [A Trushay billboard.]

Our gal took the hint and bought some Trushay, the Beforehand Lotion!

So she used it before she did her dishes--

Before she did her light laundry--

'Cause Trushay guards hands even IN hot soapy water!

And it wasn't long, thanks to this--

That she got this! [A man in her car with hearts around them.] And what about Arthur the Automobile?

He was so happy that after they filled him with gas he went flying up the street. You would too, if you had a tankful!

So the moral to our story is--even if you haven't an auto--you aut-to try Trushay!

Wow. I would pay money to see that commercial.

Volunteering at the Library!

Earlier this year, our campus had hardcore budget cuts.

Which meant the library had major budget cuts, too.

Some things changed. The entire department on the other side of mine was outsourced to save money. (It was weird, because it was kind of like how in The Office that one guy was fired, but nobody really knew what he did or that he was in the show. Same idea. We all heard that they were losing their jobs and we were like... "uh...what do they do?" "I'm not really sure..." We didn't even know who they were, except that there was one lady who had a little rubber statue-toy-thing of a monk on a cellphone that always made us smile when we would walk past.)

Also, our schedules changed. Instead of firing people, we took reduced schedules for a month or so, until another guy got a job that actually had something to do with his major.

And another thing was, before, when there were books that were falling apart or torn, or having big problems, we would always send them to Preservations. After budget cuts, I would tell my like, supervisor (kind of?) about books with problems and she would say "hmmmm. I don't really know that Preservations will be able to do anything about it now..." "Well, before I would have taken it to Preservations, but after the budget cuts, he may just leave it..."

I felt bad for the poor, broken books.

I thought of my grandma, and my mom, and how they've taken torn hymnals home from church and fixed their bindings and brought them back. The church sells a hymnal repair kit, even.

I pictured a dark room in the library with a desk that had tall stacks of books on both sides, waiting to have their bindings fixed. Maybe before budget cuts someone else had worked there too, but after budget cuts, there just were not enough work hours to fix all of the books that needed help.

I thought about it a bunch and decided that I would be willing to volunteer so that more could be done. I could just spend a few hours on, like, Friday afternoons and tape up the bindings. Or, you know, whatever. It would be nice to know how to do that, anyway.

I always thought it would be nice to be able to take a bookbinding class, but those classes are always like 4 hours long and never fit into my schedule of classes that I actually need. Too bad.

So I told my boss I was interested in doing that. And she went off and talked to the guy who is in charge of the Preservations stuff, and told me I would not be binding books right away--he would train me just like a new part-time person. She said she would show me after I was done working.

So after work she took me over to Preservations and the guy in charge gave me a tour. It wasn't a dark room with a desk and stacks of books---it looks like a laboratory or art room! He showed me the different things that they do, and told me I would be doing fancy, exciting sewing on books because they just do standard, practical stuff. He said sometimes people come and want to volunteer and they have delusions of grandeur because they think they'll come right in and start doing fancy stuff. But you start with things like dust jackets.

And, well, I don't know anything about fancy sewing on bindings, so that didn't bother me at all. He asked if I was still interested, and I said that I was, and I told him I would come in for an hour every morning. He said he wouldn't be able to teach me much in an hour. So I agreed to come in for 2 hours. He starts work at 8:30, and I start work at 10:30, so now every morning I volunteer at Preservations from 8:30 to 10:30 am.

So far I have learned how to put plastic dust cover jacket things on, and I've done a bunch of those, and then I have also learned to sew pamphlets into protective cover things. (See my second photo-- doesn't it look like book acupuncture??) Today I learned how to remove stickers/tape from books with a heat tool and fancy eraser.

Also, today I was added to the who's-here white board (my name is on a magnet!) and I got a name plate thing at my work area. I share a workspace with a guy who [allegedly] volunteers on Thursday afternoons.

Anyway, that's all I have to say about that for now.

Joe Brainard?

Today at work our library is loaning someone a book called Selected Writings, 1962-1971, by Joe Brainard. I'd never heard of him before. He has a website. It's in his memory, because I guess he died of AIDS induced Pneumonia. Sad. He was a famous artist, and he has a bunch of stuff at big famous art museums. He wrote a bunch of books, too.

Anyway, I like this book. I almost want to not send it out to the patron so that I can sit and read the rest of it. It's just little bits of writing that are random. Not random like the stuff from my modernism class last semester; this stuff still makes sense. It's just kind of wandering thoughts, which reminds me of my own.

Here are a few bits:

TREES (pg. 37)

Have you ever stopped to wonder what the world would be like without any trees? Just a big brown ball.

Do you know how many trees there are in the world? Nobody does.

There is nothing I love more than trees. Except people and flowers. (Some people, and some flowers.) Of course, not all trees are perfect either.

SICK ART (pg. 39)

Mona Lisa's smile often causes observers to overlook the fact that she has no eyebrows.

One skin specialist offered the suggestion that Leonardo da Vinci's model was suffering from a skin disease called alopicia. Alopicia is a skin disease in which one has no eyebrows.

On the other hand, many women in those days shaved their eyebrows and Leonardo da Vinci's model may have just been following the fad.

There is no doubt, however, that Rodin's "The Thinker" has bunions on both feet.

Today, with modern art, it is not so easy to spot diseases and physical disorders.

Many doctors, however, have noticed a strong relationship between various skin diseases and the paintings of Jackson Pollock.

Fungus infections are very common in the art of the Middle Ages and the Renaissance.

from the section WHAT IS MONEY? (pg. 65, 66)

What is money? Money is what you buy things with. Today we use paper bills and metal coins to buy things with. But what did people of long ago use to buy things with?

Cows.

From the stories of Homer we learn that the ancient Greeks used cows to buy things with. "How many cows is this house?" a Greek man would say.

Cows, however, were not the only things people used to buy things with. The Chinese used fish. "How many fish is this house?" a Chinese man would say.

The American Indians used colorful beads to buy things with. "How many colorful beads is this tee-pee?" an Indian man would say.

Then as time went on people got tired of carrying around cows and beads and stuff and so they invented the metal coin much as we know it today.

Metal coins were fine for buying little things, but if you wanted to buy a house, or something expensive, it was very impractical. "How silly it is to be loaded down with all these heavy metal coins" they said. And so they invented the paper bill much as we know it today.

Even today, however, the natives on the island of Yap use large stone wheels to buy things with. Each stone wheel weighs 1000 pounds and will buy 10,000 coconuts.

------

There is an old saying that money is the root of all evil. I would say that the root of all evil is money...and bad women.

And sometimes even good women.

I once read about a pastor's wife from upstate, a good woman, methodist, who won a cereal contest, bought a little printing press for Sunday school bulletins and song sheets, and ended up a counterfeiter. Rather than face ten years in jail she shot her husband in the head and jumped off the steeple.

-------

Alexander Hamilton, the first Secretary of the Treasury, founded the first bank of the United States. It was called "The First Bank of the United States".

AMERICAN HOME part 6 - It's Not Sleight of Hand

Here's the second Windex advert:


1. Son Johnny, on leave
with his new corporal's rank,
Which he won doing stunts
with a 20-ton tank,

2. Finds cleaning the windows
in their six-room flat
Has knocked Mom, in Army slang,
hors de combat.

3. But in barracks John learned
a trick Ma must have missed,
Called, "How To Clean Panes
With A Flick of the Wrist."

4. He just uses Windex--
it's not sleight of hand,
But a work-saving wonder
that sure beats the band!

5. Spray it on--wipe it off--
for much less than a cent
Each pane has a shine
you'll acclaim heaven-sent!

6. And at house-cleaning time
it's a perfect delight
Just a few minutes' work--
and your windows are bright!

DON'T TRUST CHEAP SUBSTITUTES!
NO STREAKING...NO FILM...WHEN YOU INSIST ON
WINDEX
COSTS ONLY 1/4C PER WINDOW
* DON'T START fall house cleaning
without this non-inflammable, oil-free
cleaner that costs but a fraction of a
penny for each pane cleaned!
And--Windex is grand for cleaning
windshields, mirrors, anything in the
house made of glass!
WINDEX SAVES TIME
SAVES ENERGY * SAVES YOU

You can get Windex in two sizes--6-
ounce and the 20-ounce economy size

Copr. 1942, The Drackett Co.

AMERICAN HOME part 5 - Poor Cousin Jan.

I just have a few more of these clips from American Home magazine.

This one is a Windex advert. It's written in verse. LOVE IT. Also, I love that Windex was never over 15c. And that Cousin Jan was healthy and husky and mowed lawns for fun.


1. It's too bad you never met
poor Cousin Jan.
She was healthy and husky
and strong as a man--

2. She mowed lawns for fun
and beat rugs by the dozen
But washing her windows
just ruined poor Cousin.

3. Her daughter Louisa
is fragile and small
But windows to wash
never scared her at all.

4. She just uses Windex.
It's whisk! and it's done--
And where's our Louisa?
She's out having fun!

5. Just spray Windex on--wipe
it off--and you're through!
"And I've never seen glass
any cleaner!" say you.

6. For clean windows longer,
get Windex today
Buy the 20-ounce size--
it's the thriftiest way.

7. Don't be tempted by imitators
who promise "more for your
money." Windex is a quality,
non-inflammable, oil-free cleaner
which leaves no dust-catching film,
doesn't streak, sheds no dust on
sills or floor.

NEW REDUCED PRICES! WINDEX NOW NEVER OVER 15c
for handy-size bottle
anywhere in U. S. A.
*
Ask your dealer about
the new reduced price
--also about big 20-
oz. economy refill
size.
Copr. 1942, The Drackett Co.

AMERICAN HOME - part 4 Air Warden Shin Dig

I wish I would have thrown this party. SRSLY, what a great idea. My favorite part of it is "delivering DAMAGE REPORT" because it sounds like a fantastic game. This game would be especially fun if you actually did throw this party for wardens. Unfortunately, my invitations would have to fall among guests who would have no more acquaintance with defense work than seeing it mentioned in the newspapers. Or, you know, the Internet.

OOOhhhh. My birthday is this summer. Maybe I should have an Air Warden Shin Dig!

-----

YOU couldn't stand on your doorstep and toss a doughnut into the air without having it ring someone who is doing Civilian Defense work. But these patriotic-minded people enjoy a rip-snorting good time for a change from their duties, too. You could have this party for the wardens of your post, or let the invitations fall among the workers and non-workers in your circle of friends. It's still a good shindig even if none of your guests has any more acquaintance with defense work than seeing it mentioned in the newspapers.

The telephone is the easiest method of issuing invitations, but if you want to be different, send bids on red, white, and blue bordered stationery. Or, to go whole hog, cut out five-inch circles of dark blue paper and paste on white triangles with parallel crayon stripes of red. On the intervening white stripes you can write the facts about the party. (In case you're not of the initiated, the message will have been written on the symbol of the Air Raid Warden.)

After amusing yourself with the games described opposite, hold up a menu like the one shown above (Yellow Warning--Blackout Delight--First Aid Stimulant) and offer a prize to the person who writes down the best interpretations of the items listed. Our fare for hearty appetites was creamed eggs on toast, devil's-food cake, and coffee. The whites of the hard-cooked eggs are in the cream sauce, and the yolks are chopped up and sprinkled over the top, thereby giving "yellow warning" effect. Or, you might try some kind of American cheese dish. You can't improve on the chocolate cake and coffee.

Canteen Race

All of the girls, supposed to be canteen volunteers, choose partners. Each worker is given a tumbler half full of ginger ale, milk, or some other liquid, and a teaspoon. When the starting signal is given, they start racing to see who can "spoon feed" every drop of liquid to her partner first. Chief delight of this game seems to be in the guests' irresistible urge to giggle just before swallowing a crucial spoonful. This adds to the merriment, of course, but doesn't help make a winner! Try it on your thirsty pals.

Rumor-monger
An old but amusing stunt that points a worth-while moral. Write out, in advance, a fairly complicated rumor involving your country. Now whisper this message to one of the guests, then have it whispered along from one to another until it has made the rounds. The last person recites aloud what is heard, and then the original story is read. The moral will be obvious! Example for rumor: "The Germans have established a secret base near the tip of Cape Cod. They have 2,371 soldiers there, a fleet of supply ships, and hundreds of tanks. Thirteen submarines are based there, and a large airplane field has been built and is being used by 293 planes just in from South America."

BOMB disposal (An American Home game)

THIS, too, calls for action. Line up two to four players, each armed with a table knife, and in front of each put a "bomb" which, curiously enough, will look exactly like an Idaho baking potato. Give the starting signal, and the race is on to see who can roll his potato to the other end of the room, finishing with it on an inverted plate, which has been placed on the floor for the purpose. A final winner can be established by having as many "heats" as necessary. This harks back to the old potato races you had in the third grade.

delivering DAMAGE REPORT (An American Home Game)

DAMAGE report messages are being delivered in spite of fact that water mains have burst and the area is so flooded that the only transportation is by boat. The boats which you produce at this point are large dishpans. Select two or three wardens, help them into their "boats," and have them race with their reports to the other end of the room. The winner of each heat competes with other winners for the prize offered to the fastest warden. This is good healthy exercise, and fun because it's both silly and competitive. Your main problem is to get dishpans big enough to fit your guests!

DOES YOUR LANDLORD HAVE A BILL OF SALE FROM GOD?

My coworker Devin came back from pulling books with a stack of yellow papers. He was pretty excited about them. Apparently someone went throughout the library and put yellow papers on the shelves. He said there was like, a trail of them. He went from one to the next, collecting them. He thought I would appreciate them, which I did.

I think you will too.

This is fantastic!

Here are some of my favorite parts:
- Your landlord cannot charge you rent because they don't own your property--God does.
- We are slaves to banks, paying interest on their money that they printed.
- Everything we do is based on fear.
- Create your own reality! It's now or never, wake up!

Also, I love-loved the ALLCAPS, so that everyone knows that this is REALLY IMPORTANT, and TRUE (because obviously, anything printed is true.) (Just like everything on the Internet is true.)

THE END IS NEAR

YOUR 'FREEDOM' WILL SOON BE A DISTANT MEMORY. YOU ARE BEING DELUDED INTO A NIGHTMARISH FUTURE BY AN ELITE CLUB OF WEALTHY FASCIST ELITES. 9/11 IS AN OBVIOUS CONSPIRACY. THE LIES PERPETRATED THROUGH THAT TRAGEDY BY THE DECEITFUL CABAL POSING AS LEGITIMATE WORLD GOVERNMENTS HAS DUPED YOU. YOU HAVE BEEN CONFUSED WITH DUPLICITIOUS RELIGIONS, A BOGUS ECONOMY, ENDLESS WARS, AND A MANIPULATIVE MEDIA TO ACCEPT THEIR VERSION OF REALITY IN ORDER TO KEEP YOU DISTRACTED, ASLEEP AND UNAWARE. WHEN YOU ARE AFRAID, YOU ARE EASIER TO MANIPULATE, AND EVERY DIVISIVE ELEMENT OF SOCIETY IS AN ARTIFICIAL CONSTRUCT SPECIFICALLY ORCHESTRATED TO SOFTEN YOU UP FOR THEIR IMMINENT SEIZURE OF POWER. ANALYZE YOUR ACTIONS AND DESIRES, AND YOU WILL REALIZE THAT EVERYTHING YOU DO IS BASED ON FEAR AND OR THE NEED TO ACQUIRE WEALTH IN ORDER TO SUSTAIN THE ILLUSION THAT YOU ARE FREE. YOU ARE NOTHING MORE THAN A SLAVE IN WAITING. WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A SLAVE? HE WHO IS CONTROLLED THROUGH FEAR. YOU ARE AFRAID OF BEING POOR. YOU ARE AFRAID OF NOT BEING ACCEPTED. YOU ARE AFRAID OF THINGS AND PEOPLE THAT ARE DIFFERENT FROM YOU. YOU ARE AFRAID OF THE RENT. WHO OWNS THE LAND YOU LIVE ON? DOES YOUR LANDLORD HAVE A BILL OF SALE FROM GOD? NO ONE 'OWNS' ANYTHING. THE BANKS HAVE TRICKED YOU INTO BELIEVING THAT YOU OWE THEM SOMETHING, WHEN ALL THEY'VE DONE IS SCARE YOU INTO PAYING THEM INTEREST ON MONEY THEY PRINTED IN THE FIRST PLACE. WHO ARE YOU EARNING YOUR 'LIVING' FROM? WEALTHY ELITES WHO HAVE DECEIVED YOU INTO A STATE OF PERPETUAL WEAKNESS SPAWNED BY FEAR. NO ONE IS ENTITLED TO DEFINE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. NO ONE CAN CHARGE YOU FOR RENT ON THE LAND THAT NO ONE ACTUALLY OWNS. NO ONE CAN DEFINE YOUR REALITY FOR YOU UNLESS YOU LET THEM; THE ONLY REASON YOU LET THEM IS BECAUSE YOU ARE AFRAID. THIS IS THEIR POWER, BUT IT IS AN ILLUSION OF POWER IF YOU THINK FOR YOURSELFAND CREATE YOUR OWN REALITY. IT'S NOW OR NEVER, WAKE UP!

AMERICAN HOME part 3 - Don't Be a Public Enemy!

There were a few advertisements like this in American Home.DON'T BE A PUBLIC ENEMY Be patriotic and smother your sneezes with KLEENEX to help keep colds from spreading to war workers. America needs every man--full time! (from a letter by D. L. R., Chicago, Ill.)

HELP **WIN** THE WAR

Save on Kleenex so Kleenex can save for you!

When half-size will do, tear Kleenex in two. Tear across fold! Saving Kleenex saves material necessary to win the war!

Kleenex "Pop-up-Box" saves tissues--saves money! Because it serves up just one double tissue at a time!

WIN $25 (MATURITY VALUE) DEFENSE BOND For each statement we publish.
Write how the use of Kleenex saves you money and helps win the war.

2 for 1...
My Kleenex does double-duty! After using it to remove face cream, it's perfect to shine up furniture or leather shoes and purse! (from a letter by G.C.T., Pomona, Calif.)

--

I like it. What company now would tell you to use half of their product, even for a cause? Now what a company would do is sell a special brand of tissues that were half size and charge more for them. Also, I love that the last comment is from someone in Pomona. (WHAT UP!?!)* Can you imagine any girl using her dirty tissue to shine furniture or leather shoes and purses? Do girls even shine leather now? I think we just buy new things. I bet it worked, though.

*Do you love that I just holla'd at someone who, if she was 20 when this was published, would be 87 years old now?! Think about it. She had no idea what Pomona would be like now...

AMERICAN HOME part 2 - Never Too Young to Help

"Yes, boys and girls, every single one of you can help us win this old war! There are lots and lots of ways, and here are some that are right at your front doors!"

This is another reason why we're still having problems in Iraq. Kids these days don't wash and store their rubber beach balls, or take care of their metal lunch-boxes, keeping them clean and dry. KIDS, it's all your fault we're losing this old war!

The suggestions read:

You can help save rubber overshoes by cleaning, drying, and keeping them cool
Neatly placed clothes give you a lot more dressing speed if there's a fire
Rubber beach balls like to be washed and stored dry and cool for the winter
Help the war by taking care of your metal lunch-box, and keeping it clean and dry
Yes, a picnic stove from a big old tin can, holes cut for fire and a chimney!
In New York you can "adopt" a doll if you will always keep her very clean and well
Girl Scout fixes up old toys so other children won't need to buy new ones
New bicycles for juniors are "out," so tip-top care of yours is mighty important
Jimmy helps win the war by taking care of his raincoat so it will last longer

And, get this, the photographs are courtesy of Cleanliness Bureau. What is this magic bureau? Why do the Interwebs offer no information about it? All I can find is something online that says the Cleanliness Institute was started in New York in 1927 by Association of American Soap and Glycerine Producers, to tell women and children that they should be cleaner.

BEST. MAGAZINE. EVER.

At work, I discovered the best magazine ever. Okay, maybe not the best, but it's up there. It's called "The American Home" and it is fantastic. Someone requested something from volume XXVIII, which is June to November, 1942. I can't put it down.

I have six excellent things to share from within these issues. They are:
1. Four great IDEAs!
2. A Kleenex advert.
3. Two Windex adverts.
4. An Air Warden Shindig.
5. An article about how children can help us win the war.
6. A VICTORY DIET!

These are really amazing. If you want to see pictures of the covers from these magazines, they are posted here. Totally worth it. According to Wikipedia, it was published from 1928 to 1977. I don't know. I don't know if it was quite this amazing after the war, but during the war, like every page is about ON GUARD...the home front. Cooperating for VICTORY. I love Victory. So did they. They had Victory vacations, Victory parties, Victory dinners where everyone dressed up as vegetables from their Victory gardens. Victory hobbies, Victory everything!


Just a thought--maybe this is why we keep having problems with our wars now. Maybe if we would just buy some war bonds and take care to feed our future citizens more vegetables, and use more Bon Ami cleaner and take care of our homes since they are Second Fronts, maybe we would win our wars in the middle east. I'm just saying. Nobody invited me to an Air Warden Shindig during the war in Iraq.

Anyway, here is the first part, which is actually four parts:

IDEA! IF "Drink your orange juice, Junior!" raises a storm of stubborn objections, you can settle your tempest, in a teapot! Invite your young problem child to have "tea" with you. Lay the table just as you do for grown-up parties, with regular cups and a large teapot. No kid stuff! Make a plate of miniature, but healthy sandwiches and sit down to "tea," while your child pours. -EFFIE LEE ESTES
IDEA! CAKE FOR BABY: For baby's first birthday, pile mashed potatoes into the shape of a cake, surround with "frosting" of buttered beets or spinach, and center it with a hollowed-out cooked carrot candle holder and an asparagus stalk candle. - MRS. ELMER STOWELL
MYSTERY MAKES MONEY: If you're giving a benefit party, remember that curiosity is one of your best allies, and wrap up the white elephants instead of letting them stand out in the open for sale. People are much more likely to part with their nickels and dimes if they aren't sure of what they'll get. - MRS. DAVID CANFIELD
IDEA! MY THINKING-TIME BILLBOARD is thin wood veneer decorated with decals appropriate to the kitchen and is hung on the wall with tiny rings and glass-headed picture tacks. It holds ABC vitamin lore, perhaps a club speech to be "polished off," a lovely poem, a new recipe, or the day's menu. - MARION FISCHER
TO SAVE THE FLOOR: To eliminate those dark smudges on linoleum caused by the bottom of chromium kitchen chairs, apply Scotch tape to the parts touching the floor. - MRS. FRANK JACKLE
IDEA! Yes, it's done with mirrors--big ones or little ones, whole ones or in pieces--hung on strings or thing wires here and there in the fruit garden so that they swing and send flashes of sunlight in all directions. Robber birds just can't figure out what it's all about, so they go away from there as fast as their wings will carry them. - MAY LEWIS

These things worked in 1942, people, and they'll work now. Help us win the war! Make your babies vegetable birthday cakes!

Hidden Love Letter!

I just found something neat at work--a love letter hidden in the margin of an independent film newspaper from the summer of 1984. Back then maybe it was out on the shelf, but now someone would have to request it specifically from our storage thing here at the library.

It says:

Wendy,
I want you to know that I have fallen in love w/ you in the short time that we've been together. It is such a great sensation one that I have not felt for along time & I feel better than I have for 5, 6 yrs. Anyway thanks for caring about me you make me feel important. I hope you see that Tim is not the one for you because it is me.
Your Soulmate

Wow!

I have so many questions!
1. The corner is torn right beneath "soulmate." What was there before? His name? Did she see it? Did she know? Did she take it? Did he?
2. Did she choose him?
3. Who is Tim? What happened to him?
4. Why confess your love in the margin of a newspaper that belongs to a library?

Verizon's commercials

Know how Verizon has these really clever commercials where the employees are all following the person using their phone? Because, you know, so many people are all working to make sure that your Verizoning experience is exactly what you hope it will be, and so much more?

Yeahhhh, it's actually not all that new of an idea. Check out this ad that I found while I was working today:

Gasp! It's been done!

600,000 Bell Telephone People were coming out of people's telephones even back in 1950, Helping to Get Things Done. Who knew?! Verizon, probably.

(This is from the 18 November 1950 issue of Collier's. Which is my new favorite magazine. I think I would have been good at the 1950's.)

I also found another AMAZING advert, but it was in color and was taking too long to email, so it'll have to wait until tomorrow.

CAKE! In 5 minutes! Really!

Today I joined this thing online called Librivox.  

Basically, people record books that are part of the public domain, and then anyone can listen to them.  For free.

On Friday we had a meeting at work to discuss expectations.  We talked about a bunch of different things--attendance, eating smelly foods, taking too many breaks, and t

alking with coworkers.  The meeting was for everyone, to clarify things, but really attendance and breaks were discussed for one guy (who actually wasn't there, heh heh), smelly foods were discussed for another guy, and talking with coworkers was for everyone, but mostly me.  

When I started working there, I started the pandemic known as "friendship and conversation."  I think before I started working there everyone mostly sat quietly just scanning.  People listen to music on their ipods, music on the computers, etc.  And then, I started working there, and I started chattering.  And I can work just as fast while I'm talking.  But not everyone else does.  So our boss has been telling people not to talk to me.  Sad!  

WELL, I have to cooperate with our new "Don't talk to your coworkers about things other than work" policy, so I decided I'm going to start listening to books while I work.  Ideally, I'll find some of the books which I am supposed to read for classes later in the semester.  This could be a really good thing.  Think of all the books I'll be listening to if I can listen to 4 hours per day!  This can be a great way to get in non-required "reading," too.  I'll become the most anti-social person there!  

Anyhow, I found this site.  And I'm going to start recording chapters of books.  But probably not super often, since I have classes and homework, and work, and LSAT classes, and homeless shelter volunteer stuff, and volunteering at the symphony, and my calling with church, and I'm starting my knitting club, and getting ready for my half marathon in a couple months, and I have a teenage cat that plays with loud toys while I'm trying to record things.

After I registered, I downloaded the software I needed to make recordings, and I went through all of the setup steps, and I did my test recording, and then I had to wait for people to leave me feedback.

So I started looking at other sections of the forum.  And there's an off-topic category, and they actually put "yes, this is where knitting gets discussed" in the title.  Knitting!  What?  So I clicked on it.  And I didn't see anything at the top about knitting.  BUT, I found this:

A 5 minute Chocolate cake recipe

posted 24 November 2008 by libraryanne

5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE

4 tablespoons flour 
4 tablespoons sugar (You can decrease this amount slightly.) 
2 tablespoons cocoa 
1 egg 
3 tablespoons milk 3 tablespoons oil 
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional) a small splash of vanilla extract 
1 large coffee mug 

Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly. 
Pour in the milk and oil and mix well. Add the chocolate chips (if using) 
and vanilla extract, and mix again. Put your mug in the microwave and cook 
for 3 minutes at 1000 watts. The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed! Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if 
desired. EAT! (this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous). 
And why is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world? Because now we are all only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at any time of the day or 
night! 

Note:Using a 12 ounce mug is ideal, and won't rise over the top.

Gasp!  Books, knitting, and chocolate cake?!  I fit in perfectly!

I had to make the little cake immediately to see if it actually worked, and IT DID!  And it actually really took like 5 minutes.

Amazing!

It would have tasted better with ice cream.  The texture was a little different than normal cake (I think because it has a whole egg for just a little cake), but it wasn't bad.  

When I flipped mine, I thought maybe it was gooey at the bottom, but it turned out the chocolate chips had melted on the bottom.  I got it out of the little bowl thing, and I smeared the chocolate chips on the top, which made it look like frosting.  

I knew this recipe had changed my life forever, so I wanted to share it with the world!  (Or, all four of you who read my blog, anyhow.)

Something funny from work

Want to see something fun?

I just filled a request for a patron with an interesting name. And people have to use their real names when they request things, so we never get Jane Does or John Smiths or fake names at all.

Plus, this guy's email address is an official school one.


Awesome. I want to email him and ask if we can be friends, just because he has such an amazing name, but that wouldn't be very professional, so I won't.

In other random news, did you hear about the two German kids (6 and 7 years old) who eloped to Africa? One of my friends told me about it. The story is here.

I'm Glad I'm a Boy! I'm Glad I'm a Girl!

I have something so amazing to share, you're not even going to believe it.

Like a week ago some other library returned this book that they'd borrowed. We have a copy of it, and not too many libraries do, so apparently people request it pretty regularly. One of my coworkers took a look at it and all of us read it, shocked. It's a kids book that would never, never, never get published these days. I love gender roles. I really do. But I just know that this would be like, a lawsuit on every page.

It is very much out of print, but if you want your own copy, you can purchase a used copy on Amazon for $300. It's kind of funny because half of the reviews there like "THIS DESERVES ZERO STARS!!!! WORST BOOK EVER!!!!" and half are like "5 stars. We've come so far..."

Anyhow, I'm posting the whole thing. Fair use? And maybe it's like money where you can reproduce it as long as it isn't the right size? Otherwise, you would just be in suspense forever, because you'd never know how it ended.

UPDATE 5/12/09:
- Apparently this book was actually published as satire. A few people have mentioned this in the comments. It was published in 1970, which is late for this stuff, so that makes sense. I guess what happened is, Darrow published this as a joke and reviewers took it seriously. His obituary is here. It sounds like he was a pretty funny guy.
- A couple people leaving comments have been rude to me for not knowing that it was satire when I posted this. This is my personal blog, guys. I thought it was neat, so I posted it for my friends. I didn't expect hundreds of thousands of people to be reading my blog. Similarly: when I said it would be a lawsuit on every page, I was exaggerating. I do that sometimes. No more comments about that, please.
- If you wish to comment, please note: my mom reads my blog. I welcome your comments and discussion about this post and book (whether or not I agree with you!) but I like to keep my blog family-friendly. Please be respectful towards each other. I will delete even clever comments if they contain profanity or are vulgar. This was not initially a problem, but over the past few days it has become an issue. Thanks.

Other Strategies for Adding Humor to Your Life

I was looking at the same article I just posted the quiz from, and the page before the quiz is a list of ways to add humor to your life. This may also be of interest to someone.

Innovations in Clinical Practice: A Source Book (Vol. 5)
Waleed Salameh "The effective use of humor in psychotherapy." (p. 169)

Other Strategies for Adding Humor to Your Life. Draw cartoons (without worrying about their artistic value) about situations, persons, or events which you find to be particularly humorous. Create humorous collages. Take an art or photography catalog (or even your own family album) and make up humorous captions for each picture. When you come home every evening, try to remember at least one funny event that happened during the day. Write it down and share it with friends and family. Practice "International Dyslexia" by creating new words or onomatopoeias that cannot be found in dictionaries. Ask your friends to tell you their favorite jokes and tell them yours.

Find some time to be alone, sitting in your most comfortable position, relaxed, and breathing soundly. Close your eyes and bring up a humorous experience. Visualize the event as concretely as possible, and allow yourself to fully relive and enjoy it in all its details and with all the feelings you experienced at that moment. Make a date with yourself to repeat this experience on a regular basis by bringing up the same event, constructing a cassette tape of the experience, or picturing other humorous events you have been involved in. Keep in mind that all of us have had happy, humorous experiences, even if we are sometimes more prone to remember negative happenings.

List five facts or life situations you frequently experience and which you find to be absurdly humorous. For example, why can't public telephones return change, or why do some envelopes have a caption on the top right corner saying, "Place stamp here"?

Make written notes of humorous car stickers you notice as you drive. Some examples are "Plumbers do it with a flush," "Teachers do it with class," "Fishermen have all the angles," "Quilters do it warmly," "Chemists get better reactions," "Chess players are better at mating." Start your own "...do it with..." sequence.

Think of a problem that has been bothering you. Think of one sentence which you could use to define your problem in a humorous vein and write it down.

Don't be afraid to share with others the spontaneous humorous associations or scenarios that cross the freeways of your mind. Of course, some of what you find humorous may not be humorous to others because different individuals have predilections for different humorous genres. It is okay for some people to feel that some other people's humor is not okay.

With your co-workers, friends, or colleagues, start a humor support group. Your group can share jokes and success stories on the constructive applications of nondestructive humor used with oneself or others. Each group member can also share with the group an embarrassing episode that he or she has lived, simply relating what happened with out censuring the event in any way. The sharing of embarrassing episodes promotes group cohesiveness, encourages members to be less self-conscious, and brings home the message that we are all imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. Additionally, the group may enjoy experimenting with improvisational comedy sketches, miming, or other humorous performances.

Start the day with a zing. As soon as you get up in the morning, make a habit of calling up a good friend and exchanging humorous repartee with him or her. This will get you perked up and humorously ready for the day. You can also call any of your friends during the day (especially those who are unhappy and need to laugh) and leave humorous messages on their answering machines. Examples include imitating various dialects or funny advertisements, remembering private jokes, sharing new jokes, and so on.

Make funny lists to exaggerate, stretch, and spoof some of your own problems, fears, and behaviors. You may find that writing such comical lists is not only a lot of fun but can also help you deflate and gain perspective on hitherto insurmountable or disquieting concerns. And, who knows, you may find out about things you always wanted to know but were afraid to ask. Examples include "ten things I must remember to do to fail my exams," "twelve recommendations that would virtually squelch my chances of ever getting a promotion," "five things I must remember to do to spoil my relationships with others," "ten favorite anxieties I can't live without," "twelve worries I want to indulge in from now until death do us part," "five myths I want to keep believing about myself so I can enjoy depression," "seven myths and seven realities about my fear of success," and "three reasons why undue guilt is good for me."

You can also take the Humorous Sentence Completion Blank test which I have included on the next two pages. [NOTE: the Humorous Sentence Completion Blank test was my last blog post, found here]

Although I abhor swimming in wet cement...

Today I scanned an article that I thought was kind of interesting, called "The Effective Use of Humor in Psychotherapy". I didn't read the whole thing because obviously I was working, but there was a funny part that caught my attention.

Here is the quiz for your enjoyment. (PS, it's from 1986, so this is sort of like an old school meme!)

Innovations in Clinical Practice: A Source Book (Vol. 5, p. 170-171)

TABLE 4: HUMOROUS SENTENCE COMPLETION BLANK

INSTRUCTIONS: Please complete the sentences below with the first spontaneous response that occurs to you. Since this is not a scholastic performance test, there are no right or wrong responses. The only requirement is that you make complete sentences and that your responses reflect your spontaneous reaction to each item below. Please wait for the signal to begin. [Actually, don't, because my blog will not emit any signal.]

1. Although I realize roosters cannot lay eggs, I _________________________
2. While I know I cannot count all the raindrops, I _________________________
3. Although it is vain to build castles in Spain, I _________________________
4. Given that winter follows fall and summer follows spring, I still _________________________
5. Squirrels store their nuts, and I _________________________
6. When the lights are on but nobody is home, I _________________________
7. While it is apparent that chickens do not have lips, I _________________________
8. It is widely known that tickling provokes pleasant vibrations, yet I _________________________
9. Bankers do it with interest, and I do it _________________________
10. Martial artists do it for kicks, and I _________________________
11. Although others make hay while the sun shines, I still _________________________
12. Ever dog has his or her day, and every frog _________________________
13. When I am happy as a lark, I _________________________
14. While research has proven that real men or women don't eat quiche, I _________________________
15. Athletes go for the gold, and I _________________________
16. Due to the fact that I remember some people's names, I _________________________
17. The early bird gets the worm, and I _________________________
18. When I wake up in the morning, I insist _________________________
19. Although I acknowledge that a stitch in time saves nine, I _________________________
20. Some dress for success, yet I _________________________
21. When all else fails, my saving grace _________________________
22. If misery is optional, then joy _________________________
23. Since I stopped going to the circus as often as I used to, I _________________________
24. If Virginia is for lovers, New York for muggers, and Los Angeles for uncertains, then _________________________
25. If I could be either John Wayne, Mae West, Elvis Presley, Tarzan, or Lily Tomlin, I _________________________
26. When I'm singing in the rain, I _________________________
27. The most important difference between pirates and buccaneers is _________________________
28. When m y mother calls to inquire about my last visit to the zoo, I _________________________
29. When I think about counting all the hairs in some people's beards, I _________________________
30. Although I abhor swimming in wet cement, I _________________________
31. All good things must come to an end, yet at this moment my heart _________________________

Just something kinda funny from work.

I don't remember if I blogged about this or not, but basically, at work my boss had me switch and do something else every day. I process rush loan requests from other libraries. There's a specific website that tells us what we have to supply, and we keep track of it all on the site.

Yesterday, right before I left work I had like 10 more articles that I needed to update on the website, to say that the requests had been filled. My computer didn't still have me signed into the website, though, and I had to re-enter our library's username and password.

Just to kind of illustrate, our username is something like JOE, and the password is something like JO22library. Except that our username isn't JOE, and the password isn't that one.

Anyway, I was kind of thinking about the 22 in the middle of the password, and I realized I probably knew where they got it from. And it seemed like a standard way to assign passwords. So I tried signing in with another library which had a username similar to ours and it worked. Ha. And then I tried signing in with one that had a totally different username, and it worked too.


I thought it was kind of funny. I showed Tasha, since she was the only one still working.

"TASHA! Look! I figured out how they do the passwords, and I can sign in as other schools!"

Tasha was unimpressed.

"Isn't that cool?!" I asked her.

"Well. I don't know what good it would do us."

"Oh! None!" I told her. I don't plan on secretly signing in as BYU or some other school and printing their requests they've received and filling them instead of doing ours, and then secretly marking them as done. It is absolutely not useful to us at all.

But it is kind of awesome. That's all.

An awesome work story.

I heard the most excellent story at work yesterday.

Okay, so basically, I have one lady who is in charge of my department (who has an office), and then there are two full-timers who kind of supervise the main parts of our work, and they each have their own desks right next to each other, and the rest of us move around. One of the full-timers is training me (I'll call her H).

SO! I was sitting at the one girl's desk with her, and she was showing me how to do something when one of our department's phone lines rang. "It's her again," H said. The phone rang again, and H looked at the other full time lady (that I'll call Tasha), she was like "Tasha, don't answer it, it's her again." H stood up and loudly announced to everyone in our department, "NOBODY ANSWER THAT. IT'S HER AGAIN."

Not knowing anything about it, I was of course curious. "Who?" I asked H. "It's a crazy lady," she said. "She's called three times already today." H pointed at a little paper pinned up to her bulletin board that said:

do not answer calls from

LADY'S NAME

lady's phone number

"Does she call every day?" I asked. "No. Just sometimes." I guess sometimes she'll go months without calling, and other times she calls a bunch. One time Tasha threatened to call the police if the lady called again, and she didn't call for months after that. Until yesterday.

And H told me a little bit about it, and then she had to go do something and while I was waiting for her, Tasha told me more about it.

I guess they had answered her calls before, and the reason she was calling was to tell us that Tasha is crazy and we should do something about it. (She's not; she's not new here, and she's great.) And when she asks for Tasha and someone tells her that Tasha doesn't want to take her call (Tasha has told her not to call that number many times before), the lady gets all mad. The lady called H crazy and a drunk. And she said similar things to one of my other coworkers when they answered.

SO what happened was, before Tasha started working with us, she worked at another library. And this lady was a patron there. And that was how they knew each other. Tasha says she doesn't know, she thinks she may have given the lady her home number back a long time ago, but definitely not her work one--the lady figured it out on her own.

Tasha said that the lady is an artist. And her stuff was on exhibition at Trolley Square. So Tasha went, to be nice and show support, because the lady had invited her. And while she was there, she saw some other artist's prints that she was already familiar with, and she really liked the guy's stuff, and you could get a little framed one for like $5, so she bought one as a little gift for some relative who was coming to visit soon. AND THEN! This lady was all offended that Tasha didn't buy one of her paintings. But hers are like those massive canvases, and they're all very expensive. And Tasha can't afford a huge huge canvas painting for hundreds of dollars or whatever.

And so this lady got mad and started sending her all these letters. And one time she sent a stack of like, printouts? with pictures of her work, or something like that. And Tasha was like "..." [what am I supposed to do with these?]. And Tasha asked her when the crazy lady called her again, and after half an hour of prying it out of her, the lady was like, "Well, you're still in touch with your in-laws, right?" and Tasha's like [surprised] "No..." Because her husband died years ago. And I think the lady knew that. But she wanted Tasha to like, get in touch with her relatives, so that she could give them advertisements for the lady's paintings. ... Ummmm no.

And another time, the lady was dating some guy and wanted Tasha to meet him. So she was like "You should have us over to dinner sometime!" EXCEPT! She had told Tasha before that the guy was a criminal! And Tasha didn't want him, like, in her house, knowing where she lived. And Tasha was like "You can come for dinner if you want, but I don't want you to bring him"...

And now I'll finish with the best part of the story.

About the criminal knowing where she lived, or whatever, Tasha told me it's a locked apartment building, where you need to have a key to get in at all. She said though, even though she can't get in, sometimes this lady will come to her house. She said one time the lady came, and it was like midnight, and the lady stood outside and was like "TASHA!!! TASHA!!!!" from down at the street. And she opened her window and was like "What?" And I don't remember why, but she invited the lady in. And the lady came in, etc, but she stopped and knocked on the door of one of Tasha's neighbors. And Tasha said she knew a single guy lived there. And Tasha was like "What are you doing?!"

So she knocked, and remember it's midnight. And the guy comes to the door and from inside says, "Who is it?" And the lady says, "Me," in a singsongy voice. And the guy is like "What do you want?" to which she responds, "Just one passionate kiss." [!!!] And Tasha is embarrassed, obviously, and she doesn't want the neighbor to associate this lady with her, so she goes inside her apartment and leaves the lady. The lady said she was just doing it as a joke. But how crazy is that?!

True story.