The Five Star Problem

Has anyone noticed this lately?

It seems like a lot of companies are discovering how online reviews work:
1. If you have positive reviews (especially a lot of 5 star reviews), new customers will seek to do business with you! :)
2. If you have no reviews, or negative reviews, new customers will be hesitant to do business with you. :(
3. (You do not actually have to be a good company to get a bunch of great reviews.) :)
4. Why not just pay for reviews, or write them yourself? :D

[5. Because Emily can tell the difference, and then even if your business actually IS good, she will avoid doing business with you because you are shady, and you're trying to mislead people.]

The truth is, before I do business with almost anyone, I always check reviews online. If your business has good or pretty good reviews, I'll try working with you. If your business doesn't exist, sorry, I'm just not comfortable hiring you, because I can just make my map a little bigger and find someone that is less likely to rip me off, and more likely to give me a positive experience.

I do the same thing with products. When I consider buying a particular book that looks pretty good as I flip through it: what does Amazon have to say? If it has 4.5-5 stars, I'll buy it. If it has 2 stars and the reviews talk about how incorrect the information from the book is, or whatever, then I trust that it isn't worth my $20, and it certainly isn't worth the time I would spend reading it. (If there are only a couple reviews, and they disagree about the quality, I'll go with the review that provides the best evidence for their rating.)

Of course, every business has a few bad experiences. Sometimes customers are unreasonable and they leave a business angry because they didn't get what they want. Just because a company has one bad review doesn't mean it's a bad company. I know that, and I don't expect a place to have perfect reviews. I prefer that they don't. Usually if a place has 50 five-star reviews it's a red flag.

Here are the things I look for if a company's reviews seem too good to be true:

1. Do the reviews kind of sound the same? Do they abbreviate the same words, or have similar grammatical errors? Are they about the same length? Do they seem to comment on the same features, in the same ways? Also, were they all written on the same day, or within one week, or kind of in spurts?

2. Do the reviewers use names that look like real people? Meaning, are all of them a first name and a last initial? Are all of them "dreamprincess4309823" and those sorts of names? Usually a balanced sample of real users will have a variety of types of user names "John Smithington" "Bobby W." "susy" "byucutie48" "AfRiCaQuEeN" etc. Some people capitalize their names, some do not. Some use full names, some do not. Some add numbers to the end of their names, others do not. Etc. Usually fake reviews seem to follow the same sort of naming convention: lowercase first name and then four numbers, etc.

3. What do the reviewers' profiles look like? Do they include a picture or bio? How often do they review places? If everyone only has one review and it's for the place you're checking out, this is a red flag. With real reviews, it seems there are still some people who only review the one place, but other people have a few places they have reviewed. The reviews should seem compatible. (So, for example, the person should not have reviews for places all over the country for car dealerships. Nobody buys a car in a different state every other day.) If you're really looking at a whole lot of reviews for one place, some of the people should have at least several reviews. Some people should have pictures or favorites, etc. Usually on a real person's profile, the reviews will vary. So, if a person gave your place 5 stars but they gave their last review 2 stars, that's a good sign. If they only give places 5 stars, it could be that they only go online to review things they LOVE, but it's unlikely.

4. Is the number of reviews typical or reasonable for the type of place it is, where it is located? For instance, if you're looking at a really big, popular place that has been around for quite a while, 50 reviews may be reasonable. If you're looking at a place basically nobody has heard of, and when you go in they have no customers waiting, and they have 70 glowing reviews while the competition usually has about 3 reviews, that's fishy.

5. Do the great reviews comment about negative things, too? This is a good sign. If a reviewer gives 5 stars and talks about how great the service is and how much money she saved, and then says "but the wait was a little long, next time I'll get an appointment," or something, this is a lot more likely to be real. Real people writing honest reviews will talk about good things and bad things. Likewise, real negative reviews often mention good things: "He was clean, and he showed up on time, but after that everything went downhill!" Fake reviewers usually only gush about how excellent the place was.

6. How does the company respond to negative reviews? If they apologize and talk about things they have done to remedy the situation, that is a good sign. If they totally deny the claim and fabricate something else, that is a bad sign. Also, as a potential customer, don't you think the business trash-talking a customer (even if it is legit) is really unprofessional?

7. Are reviews really polarized? If there are 1 star reviews and 5 star reviews, but not much in the middle, this is a bad sign. Often, the people who leave 1 star reviews express doubt about the legitimacy of the 5 star reviews. If the reviews are legitimate, the ratings usually vary more.


These questions are usually more than sufficient to separate the wheat from the tares, if you know what I mean.

Let's review some case studies!

Case study #1 - Auto Maxima (South Salt Lake)- used car dealership and auto body shop
68 reviews. 4.5 stars.
Maybe you remember the experience I blogged about before. These guys are so sketchy!
1. Do reviews sound the same? Yes. Most of the reviews have non-native English. 'Dollars' is repeatedly abbreviated as 'dols' which is kind of unusual. Many of the reviews mention the owners by name. Many reviewers say their car was "smelly" or talk about dents in their car, or both. Several people say they have bought 3 cars from them. Most of the reviews are written totally lowercase.
2. Do the reviewers use names that look like real people? Sort of. On Google, most of the reviewers do not have names. Several have only first names. A couple are names that sound like businesses.
3. What do reviewers' profiles look like? Bad. Most only have 1 review--for Auto Maxima.
4. Number of reviews reasonable? No. Nearby, Low Book Sales has 190 reviews, which is to be expected because they are huge and they advertise a lot. Auto Maxima is tiny; they only sell about 4 cars at a time. Other small dealerships nearby have mostly 0-4 reviews. One place has 14 reviews, but they sound like they have been around for a long time, which Auto Maxima has not.
5. Do the great reviews comment about negative things too? No. Out of all of them, only one does.
6. Company response? Completely denied all claims from 1 star reviews. Wrote "thank you" in response to several of the fake reviews.
7. Polarized reviews? Yes.
CONCLUSION: There is a lot of reason to be suspicious of these reviews. (And, after our experience, we know they would have ripped us off, so it would have been better to avoid them.)

Case Study #2 - Radiance Salon (Riverton) - a salon I was thinking of going to because it is close, and pretty on the outside (I ended up sticking with my stylist that I love, even though she is far.)
58 reviews. 2.5 stars.
1. Do reviews sound the same? Sort of. All of the 5 star reviews are recommending particular stylists, and claiming that the people give the best haircut the person has ever had. All of the other reviews complain that the guy who schedules appointments messes up a lot, the workers are really catty, things are way overpriced, and people mess up their hair.
2. Reviewer names look real? They're fine.
3. How about reviewer profiles? Bad. Only a couple people review anything other than this salon.
4. Number of reviews reasonable? A little high. Upscale salons tend to have more reviews (like, 30, sometimes) than little cheap places. However, many of these reviews were posted on multiple sites and they are double-counted.
5. Do great reviews comment about negative things too? No. Except for the most recent review, which claims that the place is under new management and that they asked her to write a review. Her review is really good, and she lists one drawback, which is that she has to drive 30 minutes to get there. The other good reviews should be like that, kind of. (Also, this suggests the salon may have actually improved.)
6. Company response? Creepy! They posted a 5-star weird review complaining about people coming into the store with a black raincloud over their heads, etc. It looked like it was supposed to be from a customer, but it was obviously from the owner or someone because of the comments they made.
7. Polarized reviews? Yes.
CONCLUSION: At a minimum there is some serious drama going down there; the complaints seem well-substantiated and legitimate. The positive reviews seem uncharacteristic. However, things may have improved with new management, maybe.

Case Study #3 - Alcor Cresta Veterinary Hospital (Midvale) - Chalcy's vet, which I found because of the reviews online.
44 reviews. 5 stars.
1. Do reviews sound the same? Nope. Some reviews are long, some are short. Some people have typos, some do not. Some people misspell the vet's name. Some people write with several paragraphs, some people write one paragraph. People describe different experiences and things.
2. Reviewer names look real? Yes. Wide variety of user names.
3. Reviewer profiles? Varied! Some have pictures. Many have 2 or 3 reviews, for reasonable things. Some have only 1 review but a photo on the profile.
4. Number of reviews reasonable? Yes, but a little high. Most nearby vets have about 20 reviews. Some have 10. A few have no reviews at all. One vet nearby has 70 reviews.
5. Do great reviews comment about negative things too? Yes. The signage is kind of bad, although it is better than it used to be. It can be hard to get parking. (I experienced both of these things, actually...the parking lot is tiny; there are only spaces for like 3-4 cars in front. The first time we accidentally drove past because we missed the sign.)
6. Company response? None at all. There are no negative reviews to respond to. None of the reviews seem to be written by staff, though.
7. Polarized reviews? No. All reviews are 5 stars.
CONCLUSION: There are more reviews than average because Dr. Good really is an amazing vet that everyone loves. Seriously, he's wonderful, and the prices are really reasonable. We went for all of Chalcy's puppy visits (1 visit to say hello, plus several more for her puppy shots), plus I've called them for help a couple other times, and they are outstanding.

Case Study #4 - Neerings Plumbing & Heating (Salt Lake)
134 reviews. 3.5 stars.
1. Reviews sound the same? Yes. Most of the reviews are one or two sentences long and say something like "Matt was great! He fixed our furnace. Thank you!" or "This was a great experience. Thank you Steve!" Very little variation, actually, except among 1 star reviews.
2. Reviewer names look real? Not really. Most are by Firstname Lastname. On Google the reviewers all use names that are first names only, like "Charlene."
3. Reviewer profiles? VERY BAD. The 5-star reviewers have all reviewed the same places! "Diggity Dog Resort" "Starving Students" "Barristas"and several of the same car dealerships. Yikes! What are the chances that a whole bunch of random people would all visit those same places, and all have 5-star experiences, all within the same period, and not visit or review other places? This is very obviously a case where Neerings hired some company to give them a whole bunch of fake 5-star reviews. So, if you were to just look at one reviewer, it would seem good because they haven't just reviewed the one place, but actually it is way worse.
4. Number of reviews reasonable? Much too high. Neerings advertises a ton, though, so this wouldn't be a huge surprise...but Action advertises a lot and they have 12 reviews. Most of the other plumbers in the area have about 10-12 reviews. (Note: Whipple has 225 reviews--which are also super polarized...225 is way too many, and it just seems to be the number necessary to balance out all of the 1 star reviews.)
5. Do great reviews comment about negative things too? No.
6. Company response? None, and there should be. Plus, all of the 1-star reviews are rated "unhelpful" a whole bunch of times...even though the reviews actually are helpful. This is pretty common with sketchy companies.
7. Polarized reviews? Yes. It's all 5-star and 1-star reviews.
CONCLUSION: The 1-star reviews all state that Neerings is way overpriced, and I suspect this is true. Neerings definitely has almost entirely fake reviews.

It's important not to judge places too quickly; to accuse someone of fabricating reviews is a pretty big deal, and it's really rude if you don't actually know they've lied. On the other hand, I think it is really awkward that places want to raise their reviews and improve their online presence by lying to us. (Come on, guys! Show some class.)

Be smart, folks. Do your homework.

Barnes & Noble, IT’S OVER!

Look, Barnes & Noble: it’s not me, it’s you.

We’ve had a normal relationship, I suppose. When I first started going to Barnes & Noble, I was young. Every moment we spent together was thrilling, and I couldn’t wait to go back. Barnes & Noble, you made me feel special, and our future seemed promising. You had so many (!) books, and you even let me stay and read if I wanted to. I thought it was love, but it was really just infatuation. Of course, not every relationship is meant to be. Over time, things between us have grown stale. We’re off-again-on-again, because I just can’t seem to break things off completely. I keep going back hoping that Barnes & Noble will be fun and exciting like it used to be. Things were so cozy between us. Every time I go back, though, you keep reminding me why I shouldn’t. We really just need to cut things off completely, but it’s hard. We have so many nice memories, you know?

This is what happens, every time:

1. I decide to treat myself by buying a book I want now, instead of buying it online for cheaper, and having to wait for it to arrive. I go to Barnes & Noble. It probably won’t be full price. Sometimes I see signs that say things are 20-30% off, or something. Anyway, who charges full price for books? Even the grocery store doesn’t.

2. Ughh. It’s full price. (Everything is.) Do I really want to pay $30 for something that costs $17—including shipping—online?

3. Uh, uh, IMPULSIVE INDULGENCE: I guess so! After all, I’m already here. I thought it would be a difference of like, $4, but hey, it will be fun to have it now.

4. Approach cashier.

Cashier: “Are you a member of our program?”

Me: (friendly) “Nope!”

Cashier: “Do you want to join [and pay 3 times as much as you should really be paying for your one book you’re buying today]?”

Me: (slightly irritated because they’re asking me to spend even more) “No thanks.”

Cashier: “Okay, your total is $x. A member would have saved $5.”

Me: (groan) (not in a mean voice, just disappointed) “And if I would have bought it online, I would have saved $15. I was just trying to treat myself, but I probably shouldn’t have. It really isn’t a very good idea to shop here, is it? Oh well. I guess I’ll try to still enjoy my book anyway. ”

Every time I buy something you taunt me by telling me how much I could have saved. Do you think that will make me want to join your program? It doesn’t. It reminds me that I’m an idiot for not being patient enough to just buy it online.

If I’m consciously choosing to pay more than I should, don’t rub it in! For goodness sakes, make me feel like I’m a princess while I’m in your store. Every single person in your store is choosing to indulge. We don’t need you. Nobody needs you anymore. Don’t you see? You’re not selling books like you used to, you’re selling a service now. The service is immediacy, and indulgence. That’s why you started your nook. It gives people something immediately (!), and brings it to them, instead of making them come to you (an indulgence). That business model is successful because it makes people happy. (And doesn't require printing anything.) Think about that for a minute, would you?

For now, I think it’s time that we take a break. All of our nice experiences are in the past, you know, and it’s just time for us to move on. We haven’t enjoyed each other for a while.

Don’t worry about me. I’m sure I’ll be okay. I already have my eye on someone new, you know. Amazon and I have been spending a lot of time together, and we’re really happy. For one thing, he makes me feel special. He thanks me for our time together, and he doesn’t use me like you do. Just upgrading my shipping option will work better for me, I think.

So long, Barnes & Noble. Thanks for the memories.

[Sorry the formatting is messed up. That sometimes happens when I copy/paste from Word. Oh well.]

Just a couple thoughts...

I just trimmed our goats' hooves. I've known that it needed to be done, but I didn't know how, so I kept putting it off. Today I finally just Googled it and went out and did it.

It was really easy, actually. Nobody really liked having their hooves trimmed* but almost everyone cooperated enough. I had to hold Bucko down to do his, and I cornered Feta. It was all right though. I didn't make anyone bleed, and it was pretty obvious what needed to be trimmed. It only took five minutes. Not bad at all.

I had another similar experience last week, with sprouting. J and I have been wanting to try sprouting for a while. It just seemed like a good, wholesome idea. But we didn't know how to do it. J already had a Sproutmaster tray and we had some sprouting seeds, so I just tried it out. There really wasn't much to it. Not bad at all.

Sometimes there are things that I want to do that seem like they will be hard, and I don't feel like I have a clear understanding of what will be required. I tend to avoid these tasks, even if I actually want to do them. Often, if I just try, it turns out there was really not much to it.

I need to remember that.

The other thing that's been on my mind lately is Facebook.

I was going through my list of Facebook friends, and it kind of made me sad. So many of my "friends" used to be friends, but they just really aren't anymore. I haven't talked to my best friend from elementary school pretty much since middle school (she wanted to be popular). We've been Facebook friends for a couple years now, and we still never interact. So, what is the point of that? In elementary school we had sleepovers, and played at each others' houses, and we told people we were actually sisters, and one time I told her we should jump in a mud puddle during recess and we did and I got us both in trouble. That we were best friends for several years is meaningful to me. But if it isn't to her, is there any point in being "friends" on Facebook? Since we're "friends" I can see the pictures she posts, and once in a while I do. It's kind of fun to know where old friends ended up and what they're doing...but seeing pictures and simultaneously knowing that despite the ease of staying in touch with old friends she chooses not to kind of makes me sad. Is there any value to that?

The other people that confuse me are people that were friends, but briefly. For instance, old classmates. Just because we have one class together (or ten classes together), should we stay friends? Were we even ever really friends? Sometimes I feel like I should keep them on my list for "networking" purposes. But what does that even mean? And is a "friend" that is not really much of a friend even worth having in your network anyway? Because suppose one of my "friends" works for XYZ company and someday I want to (which is unlikely anyway), are they going to help me out? I haven't decided. If one of them wanted my help with something, I would be happy to help them, but I would be happy to help strangers, too, so I don't know where that leaves things.

What about old church friends? Or old neighbors? Mission friends? Missionaries that were in my mission but I only knew them and wasn't actually great friends/companions/whatever with them? People that I knew while I was on my mission?

I think some of my "friends" decided not to be friends with me after I got married. Especially male friends. Well, that's fair enough. Do I de-friend them now? Do we stay "friends" so we can see pictures of each others kids?

What is a friend, anyway, I guess?

I'm thinking about going through and really cleaning out my friends list on Facebook. (What is the standard for deciding who stays and who goes, though?) I think it may be kind of like housekeeping--get rid of the old to make room for new experiences and new friendships?

Maybe the standard is that I should keep people that I actually interact with, who make me feel happy. And then I should focus on improving those friendships instead of thinking about old friendships that just are not really friendships anymore.

Thoughts, anyone?


*Except Feta maybe did because she started licking my hand while I was trimming her front hooves.

Puppy Prep

I've been trying to get ready for our puppy.

I've read as many 'Bringing Your Puppy Home,' 'Housebreaking Your New Puppy,' and 'Training Your Puppy' articles* as I could find. Especially ones specific to Danes.

I think I've bought all of the 'Essential Items for Puppies!' (except that I don't like the food/water dish that I got, so I'm not going to use it.) Puppy has:
- a crate** for crate training;
- a towel that smells like me (sort of)***;
- a soft toy ("as a poor substitute for her missing littermates," one website said);
- a puppy Nylabone (and a Kong with special treats, to pull out for her sometime soon);
- a clicker (and a book about training);
- a lot of liver treats****;
- a big bag of large breed puppy food (so I don't ruin her joints, or something);
- a spraything full of enzymatic cleaner for accidents (which hopefully hopefully won't happen, but actually realistically most likely will);
- a collar and leash to grow out of in the next couple months...

I forget what else.

I think we're prepared.*****

But Puppy still does not have:
- a name; or
- a tag for her collar, since she has no name.[******]

I'm leaving now to go pick her up. The girl is driving her down to Salt Lake, and we're meeting at Puppy's dad's house, so we can meet him, too.

Wish us luck!




* Do real websites with actual information exist anymore? I found so, so many generic websites. The articles are almost always useless, because they're more about search optimization than anything else. They go like this:
"Bringing Your Puppy Home is an important time because when you Bring Your Puppy Home you hope that you are prepared to Bring Your Puppy Home. Try to be gentle with your puppy when you Bring Your Puppy Home because he is nervous. Since Bringing Your Puppy Home is stressful for the pup, do not expect much; when you Bring Your Puppy Home you may find that your puppy is happy or it may be sad. Your puppy may be hungry or it may want to sleep...[etc.]"
Gee, thanks.
** I suggested J and I stop at a big big yard sale on Redwood Rd. a couple weeks ago, to see if we could find a crate. Because on KSL they're usually like $30-$40 and at Walmart they're $70ish. We found an old dog crate that was dirty and a little rusty (but a pretty good one anyway), and when I asked how much it was, the lady said to make an offer. So I offered $5. And she said we had a deal. (Heck yeah, we did!) So I cleaned it, sanded it, and primed it, and J and I decided it would be fun to paint it pink, since we knew we wanted a girl puppy. Today I brought it in from the garage, and actually, it turns out it doesn't match ANYTHING--not our house, not Puppy's toys, NOTHING. But [*shrug*] it was still kind of fun, and it makes her little homecoming special. And it was lots cheaper than $70.
*** This was a suggestion from either the worker at Walmart or the lady we're buying Puppy from. Both people gave lots of suggestions. We were advised to take a blanket or something kind of worn out and let Puppy have that in her crate so she can feel comforted and get used to our smells, and because puppies ruin the fancy dog beds their owners buy anyway. We didn't really have a worn out blanket, though, so she's getting a towel instead.
**** When I really, really wanted a dog before, I one time went to a dog show with this lady my dad knew. I remember everyone gave their dogs liver treats. And now that I'm so used to reading every label on everything J and I eat, it's hard to knowingly poison our puppy with the stuff I saw on ingredient lists for dog treats. Liver treats are ONLY freeze dried liver (and nothing else) so they seemed like a good place to start.
***** I am so, so nervous. I don't want to ruin Puppy! I removed a bunch of things that are down low, but I'm sure I didn't get everything. I keep remembering: It's OKAY. She will be under CLOSE SUPERVISION until she is housebroken anyway, so I can still move things up higher, etc, for a little while. She [most likely] won't be ruined just because I'm not an experienced puppy-proofer.
****** [We don't know what to coll-er.]

Wedding stuff!

I'm not a very consistent blogger anymore, but that's okay.

We've been busy like crazy!

1. We had our engagement session with

our photographer! It was a lot of fun. We loved it. My future in-laws are having Greg from Photography by McKenzie shoot J and I's wedding. And bridals/groomals. And engagement pictures. (J and I met McKenzie and Greg at the Grand America Bridal Fair*, and we just thought they were fantastic. And then they had great specials for March. And then it turned out that Roger & Anne had McKenzie do their wedding, too. Small world.)

We did our engagement pictures in Lehi, Utah. Our gallery has hundreds of pretty pictures, which we just love, but several good ones are posted on McKenzie's blog, right here. We ended up deciding to send one of the ones on her blog, but I won't say which one so that it will still sort of be a surprise when people get their invitations.

2. We also got our invitations! Erin helped me design them, and I love them! I had Mercurio Brothers letterpress print them, and I couldn't be happier with how they turned out. They're gorgeous. To save money, I had them printed on smaller paper ("A2") instead of 5 x 7 paper, which I had planned to use. I also bought (smaller "A2") envelopes locally (at xpedx) instead of paying to have them shipped, and paying even more to have them rushed so that I could start addressing them. I did want the envelopes to be thick, though, so they are. We had inserts digitally printed (much cheaper) by Alphagraphics; they point people toward our wedding website. I wanted to line the invitation envelopes, but envelope liners get kind of (okay, very) expensive, so instead I lined the envelopes myself. I used 3 1/2 rolls of wrapping paper that I bought at the dollar store, and it just happened to be the perfect shade of blue! Partway through the envelope-lining project, I had some (much appreciated!) surprise help from J's mom and J's niece.

3. We've been assembling invitations. I wanted to write the addresses in calligraphy, but paying $2-3/ envelope was totally out of the question so I decided to do them myself. So I started addressing envelopes v e r y s l o w l y a while ago. I got a lot of them done, but we're still collecting some addresses. (My calligraphy is getting better and better! Now that I'm about done writing addresses, I'm getting pretty good at it. So. If your address looks a little, uh, messed up, know that it was written by hand, with so much love.) We sent one big batch of invitations out on Friday, more invitations out this Monday, and we have another batch of invitations ready to go out tomorrow.

We ordered our pictures from Ritzpix.com, and since the invitations were smaller, 3 1/2 x 5" was the size we wanted! We picked Ritzpix.com because they have a deal every Tuesday and Wednesday where you can get 3 1/2 x 5" prints, same-day, for 6 cents per picture. (Instead of 19 cents per 3 1/2 x 5" picture from them on other days, or 12 cents per 4 x 6" from Costco, which we would have needed to be trim.) That was our kind of price!

4. J ordered and received his tux. He was going to rent a tux, because we're not just so fancy that he needs to keep one. But, he was going to have to rent it for bridals/groomals (this Saturday), and then for a whole week from our wedding (20 March) to our California reception (27 March), and it was going to cost more to rent it for the three events than it would cost to just buy a brand new one online (at Buy4LessTuxedo.com). So instead of paying to rent a tux, J has his very own, brand new tuxedo, tuxedo shirt, man jewelry (= cuff links and button covers), and shiny man shoes, and he gets to keep all of them. He didn't try on the tuxedo shirt, man jewelry, or shoes, but he did try on the actual tux, and it looks really snazzy. As his future wife, I know that it will be my obligation to seek every opportunity for him to wear his tuxedo, and it's a duty I'm prepared to accept.

5. I picked up J's ring! It's... Hm. Well. I don't remember what it is, I guess. I think it's Tungsten with a band of silver around the middle? (Maybe?) I don't know. It looks very nice. And we got a very good deal on it, which was one thing that we wanted. (Although, not as good of a deal as Jess and Mitch got, unfortunately.) It looks very manly, but also pretty enough to look like a wedding ring. We both really liked it.*****

6. We got our marriage license! On Friday! We were really excited about it, actually. I asked the lady if we could take a picture inside the building, in front of the Marriage License bulletin board, and not only did she let us, she offered to take the picture for us!**

7. We had our Bishop's interviews! This Sunday! Tomorrow we get to meet with our Stake President. (Since we are choosing to be married in an LDS temple, we need to have interviews to obtain special temple recommends.)

8. Jess threw me an excellent Bridal Shower! I don't have any of the pictures from it yet, but we had a great time. She had printed up some of my favorite engagement pictures and she made cute decorations, and we had little chicken salad sandwiches, cream puffs and lots of fruit and vegetables, and a bunch of my favorite people came. Highlights included: a mad-libs game about how J and I met; a game where everyone wrote down a problem in marriage on one paper and a solution to the problem on another paper, and the papers were jumbled up and read so that problems had funny solutions; and fresh strawberries and pineapple. I loved being with friends from Provo that I hadn't seen in a while.

9. Also this weekend, J and I celebrated our one year anniversary, of when we first met***. For Valentine's Day we went to Rubio's (on 13 Feb, actually), which is where we met up for our first date, but I don't really care for their food all that much, so instead we went to JC Penney to spend my $10 free JC Penney money (which randomly came in the mail) on red shoes to go with my wedding dress, and then we made**** little chocolate cakes (which I had been craving) and worked on invitations (of course). We did talk about some of the neat things from the first year of our relationship, though, and we expressed our love for each other, and hopes and excitement for this next year together. It was really nice.

I really need to get back to homework, so I think I will.

* (More stories about the bridal fair to follow, probably.)

** Getting our marriage license was the best government experience J and I have ever had, I think. The ladies in the office were super efficient and friendly, and didn't make us wait much at all. When we went over to pay, one of the other ladies raced over to swipe my card before our main lady could get to it. It really was a race. When would people race to help you at the DMV, you know? (They smiled and told us we were a nice couple. Which, you know, they probably tell most couples, but that's fine.) Also, our marriage license cost $50. J and I agreed that our marriage license was a much better value than vehicle registration fees.

*** J is much better than I am at remembering these--we have anniversaries for when we first talked, when we first actually went out on our first date, when we first became a couple, when we had our first kiss, etc.

**** J doesn't have an oven, since we're cheap and we don't want to spend money to replace his, so we used his toaster oven. It actually worked all right.

***** It has no diamonds. J kind of liked man-rings with diamonds, and we've had an ongoing joke about how he wants one that matches mine. I think I sometimes embarrassed store-people when I would suggest rings for J that were thick bands that were clearly still bride rings. We knew it was a joke, though.

Very short update

It's been almost a month since I last blogged. I've tried to write blog posts a few different times, but things are complicated. I start writing, and then I have to explain things, and in no time at all I have six pages, and I'm still not done, and it all seems wayyy too detailed and personal to post online. So, instead I'll be very brief:

J broke up with me earlier this month. I wanted to fix things and felt like a lot of our problems were really just stress from non-relationship things. J was done. I was really sad about it. A lot happened. He started asking me on dates, but he was also dating other girls. More happened. The non-relationship things settled, and the relationship things were fixed. He began to wonder whether he had made a mistake in breaking up with me. (He had.) This past Friday he canceled his date with another girl, and brought me roses and a card, and he apologized and asked me to be his girlfriend again.

So things are back to normal, except that our time apart actually strengthened our relationship.

As much as I hate poetry...

Almost exactly a year ago, I may have mentioned that I don't usually care for poetry.

One of the few e-mail newsletters I actually read (since SRSLY, those are so old-school, why not just blog and have people subscribe to your feed?) is THE ANTICRASTINATION TIP SHEET by Rita Emmett.*

In the May Tip Sheet, which I finally got around to reading, there's a poem that I kind of liked.

(She says it was quoted in a little booklet called "More of...The Best of BITS & PIECES" but no author was listed.)

There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played.

He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.

And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied.

For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never died.

* I bought her book The Procrastinator's Handbook: Mastering the Art of Doing It Now years ago (it was published in 2000 and I probably found it in 2000 or 2001), and my mom had it signed for me while I was on my mission. And look! It's cheap on Amazon. You can get a used copy for one cent. It's good though.

I <3 Smith's

I love Smith’s.

I buy most of my groceries and stuff from the Smith’s Marketplace down the hill from my house. They are just really great.

Today I got a big envelope full of coupons that are personalized for me—they’re coupons for things that I actually buy, including a couple coupons for free things that I normally buy, and then a bunch of coupons for discounts on products that I buy.

This time I got a coupon for a FREE box of Cheerios, a coupon for a FREE package of blueberries or strawberries, just like, fresh, from the produce department. And then I got coupons for: cereal, Weight Watchers cheese or cream cheese (I buy the cream cheese), butter, frozen vegetables, the kind of cat food that I buy for Paley, Stouffer’s entrees (I buy the lasagne), chocolate chips, fruit cups (I like mandarin oranges), graham crackers, Kraft mac&cheese, a Lowry’s marinade, and the kind of toothpaste that I buy (Colgate Total). All of the coupons are for precise things that I already buy (like, store brand coupons for things that I buy store brand, and brand coupons for things that I buy brands for), and they’re for useful amounts. They add up to $10.50 worth of coupons, plus the two free ones that are worth about…$3 for Cheerios and $3 for berries? They’re good through the middle of July.

This is the second time this has happened. The last batch of coupons was personalized for me too. These are way more useful than coupons for random things that I don’t normally buy, or coupons for things that cost more than what I normally buy so that unless I use them when the item is on sale, I don’t save.

Smith’s also sends me “special customer” little magazine things that always have a theme and a bunch of coupons. There was one for spring cleaning, and another one for frozen foods, and one other one… (I think I get them about every six weeks, maybe?) In those little booklets, there are usually several things I don’t buy and are spendier than I am, a few things that I do buy, and a couple things that are like, very general coupons, or things that almost anyone would buy. It’s nice.

Smith’s also has a student discount. If you sign up for their “Fresh Values” card with a student ID, they give you a special student Fresh Values card that automatically gives you 5% off of everything that you buy, every time.

Plus, I get gas rewards when I shop. So if I were driving, and if my Smith’s had one of the Smith’s gas stations (or if I just went to one), I would be getting various amounts off of my gas (sometimes it’s 5 cents/gallon, sometimes 15 cents, etc.).

And all of this stuff is kind of like, unadvertised, secret savings. They also have very competitive prices, excellent sales, and I often get good coupons from the little machine at the register. Sometimes those coupons are even for free things. Plus, like a month ago, they did a big thing where they lowered the prices on their produce, and now a bunch of their produce is CHEAP! Like, not just one or two things—a whole bunch of stuff! Plus, their workers are friendly and helpful, and super attentive. And their stores are clean. I just always have a great shopping experience when I go.

Anyway. It makes me feel like they value my business. I think they actually do.

Hidden Love Letter!

I just found something neat at work--a love letter hidden in the margin of an independent film newspaper from the summer of 1984. Back then maybe it was out on the shelf, but now someone would have to request it specifically from our storage thing here at the library.

It says:

Wendy,
I want you to know that I have fallen in love w/ you in the short time that we've been together. It is such a great sensation one that I have not felt for along time & I feel better than I have for 5, 6 yrs. Anyway thanks for caring about me you make me feel important. I hope you see that Tim is not the one for you because it is me.
Your Soulmate

Wow!

I have so many questions!
1. The corner is torn right beneath "soulmate." What was there before? His name? Did she see it? Did she know? Did she take it? Did he?
2. Did she choose him?
3. Who is Tim? What happened to him?
4. Why confess your love in the margin of a newspaper that belongs to a library?

No more cats.

Well, I just took the cats back.

This time, I tried calling ahead (nobody answered), I found a way to put a luggage strap on the Pet Taxi, and I got off at the correct train stop, so that made things a little easier. Okay, a lot.

But when I told them the kitties hadn't had their second shots or been spayed/neutered yet, they got mad at me. "We never take foster kittens back before they've been spayed." WELL. And I kind of mumbled something about the Humane Society being far, and I have to carry the cats, and they're destroying my house, and it sounded like a lame excuse.

And I don't think the lady understood that when I bought a pumpkin yesterday, I couldn't carry it because my forearms are still bruised, and so are my hips. And she obviously didn't understand that last night I had to put sweats on top of my pajamas and then sleep with a heating pad, because I was out of clean blankets and even my comforter needs to be washed, and so does my couch. And she couldn't have understood that I can't put my bathmat in the bathroom, my shoes on the floor, or my books on the couch. And she definitely didn't understand that my new-to-me couch which had zero snag marks when I got it is now covered in snag marks. Even though I say "no" whenever kitties start to bother it.

Obviously she didn't understand that kitties bite me awake, or just mew and mew, or run around and I haven't slept well since I got back from Boston. And I don't think she understood that I've tried and tried to make my house smell livable, but that I can't open my windows really, because they have no screens and I can't let the cats out. She didn't understand that I gave each of the kitties individual attention at least a couple times every day so that they would feel loved, and grow up to be nice cats, for other people. She didn't understand that I was trying to help and did my best.

She didn't thank me for keeping six cats in my apartment for six weeks.

She was annoyed. She said, "They're not spayed. What am I supposed to do with them?" and I thought maybe it was a rhetorical question, because she's in charge of foster animals with the Humane Society. And like, all week long doesn't she get not-spayed cats that she's not expecting? (That's the whole idea of having a Humane Society, right?) And these ones weren't even mine. But she just looked at me, because it wasn't a rhetorical question, so I said, "Spay them?" And she said they'd have to find someone else to foster them. It was an extremely awkward conversation.

And I know I read on the fostering agreement that if I didn't take them for their shots, or if I refused to give them back, I wouldn't be allowed to foster animals and maybe not even adopt from the Humane Society ever again. So I think I may be blacklisted from the Humane Society.

Which is awful. That's like being blacklisted from volunteering at the library or at an elementary school.

So now I'm home in my catless house. And feeling awful about my best not being enough.

OOh, glimmer of hope! Just now, as I was typing this, another lady from the fostering at the Humane Society called to find out what happened. And I explained that I couldn't take them back for shots, etc, during the week because I have a new job, and the Humane Society is way far without a car, etc, and she was like, "Ohh." And she told me the kitties were "nice and fat"! And we talked about some of the mom's issues (like wishing she were an outside cat and not using the litter box), and some of the personality traits of the kitties (one of them was hissy when they tried to give it shots), etc, and it was the conversation that I had expected to have when I dropped them off.

Sigh.

Obligatory Cat Photos

Just to let you all know, I think once I'm done with these kitties, I never want cats again. And I don't think I'm exaggerating, either. In my chat with Brian about getting kitties, he told me not to become a crazy cat lady, and I said I wouldn't but now I am entirely confident that it will never be an issue. I've had several moments where I just want to step on them. Like spiders.


These beasts are loud. I let Keek out and when she isn't with the kitties, they cry. And when I make her be with the kitties, she cries. So I feel like there's constant cat noise. Even times when nobody needs anything, someone's crying. Usually it's the white kitten. It cries. Pick it up? It cries. Put it down? It cries. Let it be with Keek? It cries. Let it wander the house bothering things? It cries.

These cats smell. Awful. They make my whole house stink. I clean the litter box multiple times every day, and it seems like they fill it up as fast as I empty it. Also they eat a ton.

And no, I haven't named them. And no, I don't think I will. And yes, I'm heartless.

I really genuinely thought I would enjoy this, but I just don't at all. Hopefully I'll like them better in a couple weeks when everyone's bigger. Or something.

Anyway. Here are the pictures.


The white one (boy). Crying.
























Okay, this kitten I actually like. She sometimes cries, but the instant you pick her up, she starts purring like she's just so happy to be picked up. Also, she seems to be one of the smarter kittens.















Her practicing backing up, arching her back, and poofing out.

The gray one. She looks kind of mangy. Actually, she looks like a really old stuffed animal. She has long hair, and when you pick her up she weighs like nothing. She crawls really low to the ground, and moves really slowly, and sleeps when the other kittens play, so I think she's kind of the runt and maybe isn't eating dry food yet and needs more time nursing so that she can gain some weight.

One of the orange boys.

The other orange boy. Getting a bath, which he wanted none of. Also, Kiki.















The boys sleeping after eating.

(Blogger seems to always do weird stuff wtih my format, so I'm just going to post this and not worry about it today.)

YSA Summit 1 - 17 Secrets to Male and Female Psychology

[I am writing a series of posts about a YSA Conference that I attended this weekend, called The Summit. It's going to be good. Look forward to other highlights like: "How can I make better decisions?" and photographs of actual speed dating profiles.]

This is the handout that we received in my fourth workshop. The class was called “17 Secrets to Male & Female Psychology” (by Alisa Goodwin Snell). It was scheduled for one of the small classrooms, and the room filled, and the whole hallway was still packed with people who wanted to attend. They switched the room to a gym, which also filled up. Basically, she just went over the handout. The girls agreed with all of the stuff on the girl list, and the guys agreed with all of the stuff on the guy list. Everyone kind of shared examples. It was interesting.

17 secrets to the male psychology

1. Men seek out relationships that make them feel trusted and respected.

2. Men love through sacrifice.

3. Good men are largely logical about their relationships and commitment. Thus they do not commit easily to things they have not invested in over a period of time.

4. Men are driven to succeed, face challenges, compete, and conquer.

5. Men like women who like themselves.

6. Men love to be heroes.

7. Men like being appreciated.

8. Men like femininity.

9. Men like women who have opinions and assert their needs.

10. Good men pursue women who are approachable and appear to be available.

11. Good men want sex with a woman who feels good about having sex with them and will wait until marriage.

12. Men need to be needed.

13. Men are repelled by criticism, nagging, and whining.

14. A man experiences anxiety in every conversation a woman initiates until she tells him what she wants him to do.

15. Men bond through doing activities and talking about things more than they do through talking about people, problems, feelings, or ideas.

16. Good men adore women who give them love, attention, and affection.

17. Good men are often willing to talk openly and honestly when they feel it will help them or another person to do so.

17 secrets to the female psychology

1. Women thrive when they feel safe and secure.

2. Women love through sacrifice. However, women often love and sacrifice in ways that are not good for the male psychology. Thus, a woman needs a man to communicate about his needs. Not only will a woman love him for communicating respectfully with her, but the more she sacrifices to meet his needs, the more deeply her love will grow.

3. Women read into men’s behaviors, get excited, assume commitment, and then get hurt when he pulls away due to the added pressure.

4. Women are critical of their bodies and fear competition from other women.

5. Women are attracted to strength and confidence.

6. Women are turned off by men who are too nice.

7. Women often fall in love with friends.

8. Women like to be pursued and to feel wanted.

9. Women enjoy touch, kissing, and affection but feel vulnerable and prone to shame after sexual contact.

10. Women want men who hold off sexually – it makes a woman feel respected and wanted rather than feeling like an object.

11. Women want immediate relationships but trust and value slow progressing relationships.

12. Women long to feel adored.

13. Women are repelled by moping, brooding, and the silent treatment.

14. Women worry. They need to know they are not alone in dealing with the problems of the relationship.

15. Women who don’t trust and respect their men fall out of love, especially if there is no communication.

16. Women like gifts, surprises, reasonable spontaneity, and excitement. The extra effort makes them feel special.

17. Women would rather have open and honest communication about misdeeds than to be protected from the truth.

Snell, Alisa Goodwin, L.M.F.T. (2008). Dating Game Secrets for Marrying a Good Man. Bonneville Books, Springville, UT.

Askalisa.org, Alisa Goodwin Snell, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, phone: (801) 447-6000 or e-mail: alisa@askalisa.org

I’m [less] sad.

Lately I haven’t blogged much. At first I wasn’t blogging much because I was spending a lot of time with a guy, and lately I haven’t blogged at all because I’ve been sad about how things ended. (I don’t really like blogging about sad things or really personal things, but this has kind of permeated my life lately, and when I told Jess I was thinking of writing this she said I should do.)

Basically, when things really ended, I still liked the guy a lot. My heart hurt. A lot. I wanted to cut it out. I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to change his mind. I texted him like nothing had changed. But it had. I wanted to become a crack addict and never feel anything again. After a few days, I was tired of it hurting. I ate one of those SKOR chocolate bars and a bunch of Twizzler bits, even though I’m mostly eating healthy stuff these days. I cried a little bit, too, but not a lot because I’m not a big crier. I wished I could cry more.

Today, my heart still hurts, but quite a bit less than it did. Here are the things that I’ve been doing, which have made a big difference for me over the past week:

- I stopped texting him.

- When things seem really overwhelming, I take a 12 second deep breath. I fill my lungs over a slow count to four. I hold it for a couple seconds (which are not part of the twelve…hmmmm…wait a minute…). And then I exhale over a slow count to eight. Even though I remember that lungs have a resting capacity (which we studied in my high school anatomy class) I try to squeeze all of the air out of my body. I repeat this a couple times, until I feel calmer. Doing some certain number of 12 second breathers every day adds up the same as like an hour of yoga, or something, but I don’t remember what, because I learned awhile ago that it’s good to breathe deeply, I don’t usually think about it.

- I’ve been listening to some specific music. Three songs that I have really liked over the past week are: “This is such a pity” (Weezer) (which is really not about boy stuff, but I like it anyway), “Happy Hearts” (Okkervil River), and “Miss You” (The Feeling).

- A few weeks ago I went to a really fancy place in Salt Lake (okay, I don't really know what to link to for them...sad.) to have my hair cut. I desperately needed to rid myself of split ends. But then, I couldn’t stand being somewhere so fancy and just getting a tiny trim, so I had my girl color my hair too. She weaved in blondish caramel highlights and also reddish brownish ones. It came out perfectly. This has helped me twofold: first, even though I’m sad, I feel awesome when I look in the mirror because I am still very pleased with my hair. Second, my girl had tons of personality and something she said has stuck with me. She talked about how she had pretty recently broken up with this guy she’d lived with for eight years. At first it was really rough, and she drank a lot. She was past that, though. Every so often as she was doing my hair, and as we were talking, she’d sing the little phrase that kept her going: “Just gotta keep on keepin’ on.” So now I’m singing it too, to no particular tune, and I like it.

- On Thursday, I found a neat book at my school bookstore. It’s called The Bounce Back Book, and it’s by Karen Salmansohn. The subtitle is “how to thrive in the face of adversity, setbacks, and losses”. I almost didn’t buy it, because I wasn’t raped, I didn’t divorce anyone, I haven’t lost my job, etc, but I really liked the parts I read while at the bookstore. It seemed like it would maybe help me feel better and it has. Tip #4 says “Feeling means you’re dealing means you’re healing.” I read that when my heart hurt a lot, and I kind of resented it, but now when I start to hurt I think that, and to me it means that the more it hurts, the sooner it will hurt less, and that’s comforting. There are also a bunch of other good “tips”. I’m glad I bought the book.

- On Saturday I spun a bunch of yarn. When I first started my spinning class, our instructor said that spinning would be relaxing. It wasn’t. It was hard. I had to really concentrate to get it to work at all, and never had yarn that was even. I’ve been spinning for a year and a half now, though, and now I don’t have to think about it. Instead of having to focus to have it come out even, I usually watch movies while I spin, and I sit back on the couch, relaxed. My feet move the treadle, and the wool floats from my fingers to the spool, and it feels like a cloud.

- Friday I visited UffishThought; I hadn’t seen her for awhile. I’m always happy to see her, actually. Friday was possibly my worst day, and Uffish helped me feel better. She gave me a hug. She shared Dr. Horrible with me, and also reminded me that I need to watch Pushing Dasies, which Optimistic had told me to watch a few times already (and I’d promptly forgotten). She told me all about Heroes, too. And I saw her garden, which I’ve wanted to see for awhile. My roommates have been very helpful through this too.

- This weekend I got a lot of sleep. When I started spending time with the guy, I stopped sleeping as much as I needed to. Getting more rest has really helped me think more clearly about all of this, and worry less.

- Also on Saturday, I finally went back to the gym. Before the guy, I had been going to the gym most days, following a rigorous training plan. I had been doing well for like 5 weeks, and I was so happy. When I became interested in the guy, though, I started attending ward functions most days, plus I was always tired, and things just always seemed to make my gym time impossible. Going back felt SO GOOD. Also, I bought a fantastic pair of like, stretchy fitted running/gym long shorts (that sounds ugly, but they’re really cute), which I’ve wanted for a long time. They make me happy too.

- Something else that has kind of helped my heart hurt less is thinking of reasons why it’s better this way. I think about the different trade-offs I would have had to make if I had seriously dated or married the guy. Obviously there were a lot of things about him that made me really happy, otherwise I wouldn’t feel awful. But thinking about the other things makes me hurt less. For example, knowing him didn’t make me want to be any better than I am, and that’s something that is kind of important to me. Similarly, I’ve tried to put things into perspective and look for the good. I haven’t really dated anyone since my mission, and the stuff with this guy will make it easier for me to have relationships with guys up in Salt Lake after I move. Good. Also, I gained a friend who understands some stuff from my life that nobody else really does, and that’s good.

- And then finally, I’ve noticed that I’m praying more than I had been before, and I think that’s helping. Also, this week I plan on attending the temple, which I haven’t lately, and I think I’ll feel even more peace after that.

Anyway, that’s where I am right now. I’m still sad, but I’m feeling a lot better than I did a few days ago. Things will be okay.