Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Dear Enily...

A few months ago, I decided I wanted to try eating a vegan diet. So I tried it, and yeah, I'm done with that. It was one of those eat-nothing-you-can't-pronounce sorts of things.


Well, there's this Go Vegetarian/Vegan!!!!!!!!! starter kit that PETA makes, which every website recommends. Okay. Well, here's the thing. I joined PETA's mailing list back when I was like 10 years old, and their junk mail was so intense that I still remember it now.

All I wanted was just the one packet of stuff. So, thinking of Optimistic (who intentionally misspelled his name on some of his graduation stuff) I decided to alter my name a little bit.

Instead of having it come to Emily, I had it come to Enily. Which looks similar, if you're not looking. For my last name, I changed the y for a u, which looks like a y when the bottom gets cut off.

Hah. Funny. So the packet came. It was basically useless because I was interested in vegan cooking for health benefits, and I don't care very much about crying chickens. (As Brutus would say, "Please don't hate me.") I looked forward to watching other misspelled junk mail come, since I was sure they would keep sending me stuff for the next long, long time.

I forgot a critical component of my PETA junk mail from so long ago....

See, PETA sends petitions and stuff, but they also send free "gifts".

For my first non-vegan-packet mailing, I got a big envelope of petition and animal rights stuff, with two free "gifts". The first free gift was a set of address labels.

The second free gift was...also a set of address labels.

And today I got another packet from them. This one has a questionnaire which I was tempted to fill out honestly, and instead threw away (to be nice). And it came with two! free! gifts!

The first free gift was....a set of address labels! "Dear Enily, please accept these personalized labels and decal to show that you care about animals who are being abused." (Who? Is that the right pronoun? Hooray for subtle personification!)

And the second free gift was....you guessed it, a set of address labels! (With some "special" stickers.) "Dear Enily, please accept this second set of personalized labels and stickers in appreciation of your support."

Soooo, I threw away the last set. Now that I have 60 more today, I'm starting to consider actually using them. Hey, free address labels. Probably nobody will notice anyway.

And the "special" stickers are also...well...special! They say things like "KEEP SMILING" (with a rabbit), and "THINKING OF YOU" (with a duck), and "BEST WISHES" (with a lamb). I won't spoil the excitement by revealing all of them. That way, you can get some "special" correspondence from me and still be surprised.


Optimistic. said...

I've been waiting for months to get email or letters for "Uptimistic," but I think they were smart enough to change my name back.

LJ said...

Crap and a half, Em. If you sent me one of those I would plaster them everywhere!

Emily said...

Uptimistic: if you want some stuff that has a wrong name on it, just let me know. I have a lot.

LJ: Okay, so here's the real question-- do you want a page of glossy ones, with a decal, or do you want a page of matte ones with the set of "special" stickers? OR, some of both?

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